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The exploding dud: Not liking the Apple Watch doesn't make it a failure

The Macalope | June 22, 2015
Another day, another Apple Watch review by someone who seemed destined to hate it. Well, who else are you going to get to review it, really?

Another day, another Apple Watch review by someone who seemed destined to hate it. Well, who else are you going to get to review it, really?

This time it's Inc.'s John Brandon who explains "Why the Apple Watch is a 'Newton-Like' Failure" (tip o' the antlers to Shawn King).

The Newton was a failure. Apple made the Newton. Apple makes the Watch. Brandon does not like the Watch. QED.

I've been waiting for this moment for a few weeks now.

Objectivity incarnate.

There are so many things to hate about the Apple Watch even before you buy one! Case in point:

The Sport model is too delicate for me...

So... get the stainless one? Or don't get one at all?

Don't wait for an explanation of why the Sport's too delicate, you'll grow old and die before it comes. You'll miss your kids' graduations, miss their weddings and the birth of your grandchildren. Your lovely wife, Margaret, will grow old alone and pass away quietly, mourning the husband who never returned... because he was waiting for Brandon to explain why the Watch is "too delicate".

...and you can't swim with it...

Holy cow if only that were something that was fairly obvious about the Watch before you bought it. Oop, surprise! It does not, in fact, do that thing that no one said it would do. Although, as it turns out, it actually seems like it does, but it's not warrantied for that so for most people it's not a good idea.

I don't even like how it looks.

There is not a single thing that Brandon likes about the Apple Watch, making him the perfect person to review it.

Since its release on April 24, I've (ahem) watched and waited to see how the story unfolds. I didn't want to make any overly bold predictions, but I felt something in my gut that said this was going to be a fail.

It's amazing how many faits you can accompli when you think about it!

Honestly, I just don't think people care about a watch.

Most people probably don't, at least right now. But people don't always know what they want. The Macalope didn't want the little birds that crawl across his back and eat bugs at first but now he can't live without them.

I had to give it the old college try.

Clown college is still a college.

I tested a few apps, squinted at the screen, and wondered why the early reviewers were so extremely positive.

I shook it, I yelled at it, I even tried putting it in my mouth!

And now, the other shoe has dropped. Last week, Vanessa Friedman wrote about her "break up" with the Watch.

 

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