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The Macalope Weekly: Talk is cheap

The Macalope | April 22, 2013
Our fine friends in Redmond (disclosure: not fine, not friends) are back spreading what they spread best. Joy? Jam? Nope: manure, of course. Dan Lyons then tells us exactly why everything he wrote was eye-pokingly bad (no spoilers, read on for the exciting reveal!) and last, but possibly least, CNN shows us how to sift bad Apple news out of anything!

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

Just as an aside, does anyone fall for the Macalope's fake cries of agony? No? OK, just checking.

You shouldn't, of course. That would be weird. Who types out a cry of agony? Particularly with hooves? If the Macalope's in agony, he's calling a vet; he's not sitting down to type out "AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"

Anyway, LAY THE HORROR ON US, DAVID GOLDMAN!

Either iPhone customers are growing savvier, or they're starting to tire of Apple's smartphone.

Possibly the first one, certainly not the latter. As a matter of fact, the numbers that Goldman provides explicitly disprove the latter. So, it's kinda weird he mentions that as a possibility.

Verizon's iPhone activations fell 33% in the first quarter, compared to the fourth quarter.

It's true! It's also true that the iPhone's share of Verizon sales continues to grow annually and, indeed, Verizon's iPhone sales grew 25 percent year-over-year.

But let's focus on this one horrible-sounding number I mined out of this report of how good iPhone sales are at Verizon.

Though each new version has brought some helpful tweaks--including faster processors, larger screens and the Siri voice-controlled assistant--the iPhone 5 isn't dramatically different from the iPhone 4, which was released in 2010.

Totally. Oh, sure, the iPhone 5 is thinner, has a larger screen, Siri, a better camera and LTE and has an aluminum back and different coloring ... but other than that, they're identical!

In that they are both "iPhones."

Pundits believe that today's phones should include, at minimum, at least 24 tacked-on technologies that customers will never use. Because that's innovation, baby.

Apple, which will report its quarterly results on April 23, has disappointed Wall Street investors lately with lower-than-expected iPhone sales

Remember, it's not analysts that are disappointing their clients with lousy estimates, it's Apple's fault for not meeting analysts' made-up numbers. Got that? Wall Street cannot fail, it can only be failed.

Playing stupid tricks with numbers and just generally naysaying Apple is not new territory for Goldman. Two years ago he was telling us that the Motorola Xoom was a better value than the iPad, provided you forgot the fact that it came with a contract. And three years ago he was bemoaning the lack of Flash on iOS and how Apple called the police when someone stole an iPhone 4 test unit.

The Macalope doesn't really keep files of silly pundits. Who has the time for all that collating? But if he did, Goldman's would be nearing the point where it needed to move from a manila folder to an accordion file.

 

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